I amaze myself sometimes -__-

But this episode is golden, really XD This is my first time ever doing a TV show so there's bound to be a million mistakes (please point out any you see!) ><

Without further ado~~

Ogusan: Arashi no Shukudai-kun begins!
Sakurai: Please take a look, our box for this week has arrived!

Very popular idols in the comedian world // We'll teach you ninja techniques

Sho: They're very popular idols in the comedian world. And they'll teach us ninja technicques.
Aiba: So they've got ninja...
Nino: Ninja?
Aiba: Gags? People like that are inside?
Sho: Like shuriken and stuff?
Aiba: They'll do something like that...
Jun: There's no such thing, is there?
Aiba: There isn't, is there?
Jun: They're special skills after all
Nino: So it's someone whose special skills are ninja techniques?
Sho: Shall we open it and see?
Nino: Yeah, let's open it
Sho: Here are this week's guests!

Today's Guests
Hannya
Kawashima Akiyoshi | Kanada Satoshi

Sho: It's the pair from Hannya! Your favour please!
Ogusan: Why are you so popular? The two of you.
Kanada: We don't get it either!
Sho: We've never seen ninja techniques used in gags before, have we?
Kanada: Well that's because we've been keeping that under wraps. So let's become ninjas together today.
Jun: We'll become ninjas too?
Kanada: That's right
Kawashima: All of you
Aiba: Can we?
Kawashima: Ah! Good morning!
Jun: Good morning!
Sho: That's the first thing you should do, isn't it

Narrator: Tonight, the energetic Hannya hijacks the show!?

Sho: Once again, our guests for tonight are the duo from Hannya!
Hannya: Hello! Your favour please!

Today's Guests
Hannya
Kawashima Akiyoshi | Kanada Satoshi

Sho: It was written on the box, that you're really popular. According to the rumours, the cheers are so loud you can't even start your gag routines!
Kanada: Yeah, I suppose
Kawashima: Don't say "Yeah, I suppose"!
Kanada: Well, we're very thankful.
Sho: On the contrary, there's another side to the coin, isn't there?
Kanada: Yeah, it's tough that we don't get to perform our gags
Sho: Because you're too popular?
Kanada: Exactly, we're so popular we don't get to perform our gags!
Kawashima:
Ogusan: So you became popular with your face alone?
Kanada: That's actually the toughest part

Their looks over their gags?

Sho: We've worked with the two of you many times before, haven't we?
Kanada: That's right. I've always wanted to sit and talk like this. So I've got a lot of things I'd like to ask today.
Sho: About us?
Hannya: That's right
Kanada: You don't have to bother with talk about the two of us!
Jun: What do you mean? You're guests, you know.
Kawashima: On the contrary, Arashi-san has already become the guests.
Sho: Today?
Nino: And the two of you are the hosts?
Sho: Let's try that for a bit

MC switch

Kanada: Ehh, how are your days off?
Nino: No one cares about that!
Kawashima: They do!

Question from Hannya to Arashi
Q. How do you spend your days off?

Sho: Days off?
Kawashima: That's right.
Sho: Well, for me, I go shopping...
Kanada: Shopping! Where do you shop at? Aren't you all interested?!
Sho: Well, Aoyama, for example
Hannya: Aoyama! At Aoyama!
Sho: That's normal, isn't it...?

Hannya: How about Ohno?
Ohno: My days off?
Hannya: Yes, how you spend your days off
Ohno: In general, fishing...
Kanada: Fishing! Fishing, huh? Where- Where do you go?
Ohno: In a boat...
Hannya: In a boat!
Kanada: To where?
Ohno: A while ago, I went towards Okinawa...
Hannya: Okinawa!
Nino: They're repeating what he said!
Kawashima: Wow, Okinawa?
Kanada: He said he goes fishing!
Sho: They got that, they got that

Question from Hannya to Arashi
Q. Who are you close to among the members?

Kanada: Could you tell us who is close to who?
Kawashima: I want to know! Wow! Yay!
Kanada: Sakurai-san is close to...?
Sho: Who?
Kawashima: Who in particular? Well, I think everyone is close to everyone, but among that
Sakurai: Well if it's the person I contacted most recently, yesterday I called Aiba-kun over the phone
Kanada: Ooh, Aiba-kun!

Sakurai ♥ Aiba

Sho: It's not like that!
Jun+Nino: By the way, what was the call for?
Kawashima: Everyone feels left out!?
Sho: Well yesterday, before NEWS ZERO, I had something I wanted to ask Aiba-kun
Aiba: From Sho-kun-
Jun: You couldn't possibly have been asking Aiba about the news?
Aiba: What do you mean "you couldn't possibly"! Well he was. First there was an incoming call from Sho-chan, and I got a shock
Jun: Why would you? You get nervous when you get calls from the members?
Aiba: I get nervous
Sho: Ah, I see
Aiba: And I was eating then so I excused myself and answered, "What's wrong? What's wrong?". Sho-chan said, "Hey, Aiba-kun liked pro-wrestling, didn't you? What do you think of the death of the wrestler Misawa?" I liked him all the way from primary school, and he was at the All-Japan championships with Tsugusa-san from jumps wasn't he. I was obsessed over him then. I said all that and he said "Ah, I see", and that was all.
Kanada: So he got information out of you
Aiba: So rather than "closest to", it's more like "information"...
Nino: You're his informant

Informant?

Kanada: So the two of you are close, right? How about Matsumoto-san?
Jun: You're asking me who I've contacted?
Hannya: Who has he contacted, huh?
Sho: They've totally grabbed hold of the steering wheel here
Kanada: This is fine, this is fine
Jun: The most recent member I've contacted would probably be Nino, I guess?
Kanada: So here the two of you are connected, right?

Ninomiya ♥ Matsumoto

Ninomiya: That's right
Jun: When I go into the studio for drama filming, he's sometimes in another studio
Nino: So I went to Jun-kun's studio to play, and they had made staff t-shirts. There were sizes S, M and L, and they said "please choose your own size". So I wrote my name under M, "Ninomiya". Then I got a mail, "You really want one?"

You really want a staff t-shirt?

Nino: Then I sent, "I really want one"

I really want one

Nino: And he replied, "Then I'll get one ready for you"
Kawashima: Wow
Jun: I gave it to him
Kanada: That's a great story, isn't it?
Kawashima: This exchanging thing. They're really close
Kanada: I might just cry

Extremely appropriate

Sho: Let's move on to the homework, shall we?
Ogusan: Homework from the guests to the audience! Please check up on and present rare and delicious donburi (TN: Japanese food in a bowl with rice at the bottom and the "toppings" on top of it)!

Narrator: Tonight, we've prepared hearty donburi for Hannya! What exactly is that 25,000 yen donburi!?

Aiba: Tonight, for Hannya-san, we have something that packs a punch
Hannya: A punch?
Ogusan: That's not a box for food in a bowl, is it!?
Kanada: That's right!
Aiba: Here I go! First off, I'll open this, alright?
Sho: Wow, amazing! What IS this?
Kanada: It's huge! Isn't it embarrassing!?
Aiba: This is a super huge Kakiagedon

Tokyo City's Norio-san's Submission
Kakiagedon (1,050 yen)
Tokyo ・ Kunitachi "Fukawa Fishing Boat"

Aiba: Somehow, it's 1,050 yen!
Kanada: That's cheap!
Jun: All this?
Aiba: All this for 1,050 yen.
Kawashima: No way!
Ogusan: This comes from Kunitachi!
Aiba: Amazing!
Ogusan: It's outside a college
Hannya: Really?
Aiba: That's right. They started out with 3 pieces. For the university students. Since they all could be finished, they kept adding more and more, until last year it seems they went up to 27 pieces. And since those 27 pieces from last year could be finished, this year it's 30 pieces! 30 pieces for 1,050 yen!
Ogusan: Since it's a Kakiagedon, there's rice under there?
Overlapping: That's right
Sho: It looks like there's only the Kakiage
Ogusan: You can't even get all the way to the rice, can you!
Kanada: You can't!
Nino: But there are people who have eaten all of this!
Jun: How does it slant like that?
Kanada: It's amazing, isn't it?
Aiba: It's got a sense of balance
Kawashima: It's balance is amazing!
Aiba: Let's get to eating it. Because you'd get bored, there are various sauces to go with it
Kanada: Tempura sauce

Soy sauce
Tempura sauce
Mayonnaise
Salt

Aiba: There's mayonnaise as well
Ogusan: Since there are so many of them, if you don't try out many variations you wouldn't be able to finish
Kanada: Is it alright if I start eating right away?
Arashi: Go ahead
Kawashima: It looks delicious.
Kanada: It does. Is it okay if I go with just the Kakiage?
Kawashima: How is it?
Kanada: It's delicious! It's really delicious!
Kawashima: Really?
Kanada: Just that... 30 of them would be tough...
Kawashima: Yummya!
Jun: "Yummya"!
Kawashima: This is really delicious!
Aiba: Let's go!
Jun: The cutlet is yummy
Ogusan: It makes you want to eat rice
Kawashima: You want to eat rice, right?
Aiba: Well there is rice, you know? Under all that.
Jun: But we can't see it
Aiba: You can't see it at all. Ah, I see it!
Kanada: Ah! You can't see- Ah! I see a little!
Aiba: It's pure white

Rice Discovery

Kanada: Even the amount of rice isn't normal!
Sho: But the students must be happy

Aiba: The next bowl food is this. Take a look.
Hannya: Ahh! What IS this?!
Jun: It's overflowing!
Hannya: It's overflowing! It's overflowing, you know!

Shinagawa Prefecture's Sea of Japan-san's Submission
Chuutoro-don
Tokyo ・ Akihabara "Happiness Maguro-tei"

Aiba: It's a giant maguro-don! (TN: Maguro=tuna, Chuutoro=tuna with medium level of fat) About how much do you think this costs?
Kanada: Wouldn't this be expensive? Rather.
Kawashima: But it's chuutoro after all, isn't it?
Aiba: It's chuutoro
Nino: So wouldn't be cheaper?
Kanada: About 1,000 yen?
Kawashima: More than that
Ogusan: Make it higher, make it higher!
Kawashima: 3,800 yen
Aiba: 1,000 yen!
Kanada: See! As I said! And just now Ogura-san was going, 'make it higher, make it higher!" He's embarrassed now.

Narrator: On top of the bowl of rice, there are six pieces of giant chuutoro and 3 pieces of akami (TN: Akami=lean tuna). It's a dish overflowing with the fatty, wild tuna

Giant chuutoro - 6 pieces ; Giant akami - 3 pieces

Uses fatty, wild tuna

Kanada: Let's go, shall we!
Kawashima: How about the soy sauce?
Kanada: I think we should add the soy sauce
Nino: If you like
Kanada: Just a little. It'll definitely be delicious
Kawashima: Looks good doesn't it?
Kanada: Alright, it's been added!
Sho: It looks delicious!
Aiba: It's chuutoro
Kanada: I can't hold it! Where should I put my hand?!
Kawashima: Don't hold it then
Ogusan: You don't eat it normally?
Jun: Wow, it looks great
Kawashima: It looks delicious
Jun: It looks delicious
Kanada: It's delicious! Delicious! It's really delicious!
Kawashima: It's tender.
Aiba: Tender?
Kawashima: This is fr. Esh.
Kanada: If you're going to eat, eat it all at one go! This is it! This is what donburi is all about!
Sho: Yum!

Sumo wrestler!?

Kanada: He's like a sumo wrestler!
Sho: Eating all at one go is better
Aiba: How is it?
Nino: He's still going. How will this go? Look, even though he dropped one
Kanada: He can do this
Ogusan: And he's still going for more
Kanada: He's really going! Just like a tongue!
Kawashima: He wriggled it!
Aiba: "He wriggled it"!
Jun: Yummy!
Ohno: Hasn't he eaten a bit too much?

Aiba: Well here I go, I'm opening it! Here is the next one!
Kawashima: What is this?
Kanada: An egg?
Aiba: Can I have you open it and see?
Kanada: What is it?
Aiba: This is an ostrich's egg!

Osaka Prefecture's Gourmet Baron-san's Submission
Ostrich Oyakodon
Osaka Prefecture Sakai City "Cafe & Restaurant Mahha III" *Only by reservation by parties of over 5 people

Aiba: It's Ostrich Oyakodon!
Kanada: And this shell is real, too?
Kawashima: It's real?
Aiba: It's real. It's 25,000 yen

25,000 yen (for 10 persons)

Jun: 1,050 yen, 1,000 yen, and this is...
Aiba: 25,000 yen
Kanada: 25,000 yen!?

Narrator: The eggshell with a height of about 15 cm is used as it is as a bowl. Of course, inside, the meat of the ostrich as well as the egg is used. It is extremely healthy because ostrich meat is low in fat and calories

The eggshell with a height of about 15 cm is used as it is as a bowl

An Oyakodon made with ostrich meat and eggs

Healthy because ostrich meat is low in fat and calories

Ohno: You should use this
Kawashima: Since it's here

Even the individual serving plates are ostrich eggs

Aiba: I've never eaten ostrich meat before, just how-
Kanada: That's right, it's my first time too. Is it okay if I eat? It's delicious! It's refreshing.
Jun: Refreshing?
Kanada: It's really refreshing, you know!
Aiba: Does it resemble anything?
Kanada: Fowl
Sho: It IS fowl!
Nino: It's an ostrich! An ostrich!
Aiba: According to the report, it resembles beef
Kanada: Beef! No, I did think it resembled beef! Really!
Nino: But you said fowl!
Kawashima: The more I chew it, the more it seems like liver. It resembles liver meat
Kanada: And it also resembles tongue meat. It's a little like tongue meat.
Kawashima: And salami!
Sho: I totally don't get it. Totally.

Too much!

Sho: With that, Ogu-san, let's move on to the next homework!
Ogusan: Hannya's image homework. What did you do yesterday night?
Sho: It's a corner where we get the audience's image of the guest, so, without further ado, Leader, please!
Ohno: Yes! Saitama Prefecture's Zugudan-san's submission. Yesterday night, Hannya's Hanada-san thought of his first gag as if it didn't matter even if the pair disbanded.
Kawashima: You've got to be joking!
Nino: It's just an image! An image!
Kanada: Well, actually, it's not necessarily incorrect
Kawashima: You've got to be joking!
Kanada: I think Kawashima doesn't have enough awareness of being a professional
Sho: He doesn't have any self-awareness?
Kanada: He doesn't!
Nino: For example?
Kanada: He's always digging his nose! This is the truth!
Aiba: When does he do that?
Kanada: When he walks into the green room, "Good morning!"
Kawashima: I don't do that!
Sho: But if he's just entering the green room...
Kanada: It's okay if he does it in the green room, but he does so even during shows! When the camera isn't rolling, he'll be doing it secretly!
Kawashima: I'm not that dirty!
Sho: But why do you dig you nose so much?
Kawashima: But digging my nose is my habit. And doing this. And while doing this, if there's anything inside, it just flies out like this, doesn't it?
Sho: Well if that's the case, the one you'd like to ask, after all, would be Advisor Ohno Satoshi

Nose-digging Advisor
Ohno Satoshi

Ohno: I'm exactly the same as you
Kawashima: Oh! Really?
Ohno: It's a habit
Kawashima: Exactly
Kanada: But he does so with all his might!
Ohno: I do it with all my might too!
Kanada: Eh!? Ohno-san does it with all his might too!?
Ohno: When I do this, and there's something inside and I want to dig it out, but can't because the camera is rolling, I'll be like....

Itching

Kawashima: When the camera's not on me, I'll...
Nino: Do you have a rebuttal?
Kawashima: When we eat bento in the green room, Kanada's eating habits are so messy and he makes this sound. This is it. Like he's biting. And that's-
Kanada: Huh?
Kawashima: Don't say "huh?"!

Kawashima: And when he sleeps, he becomes half-eyed
Arashi: Half-eyed?
Kawashima: Really!
Kanada: Isn't there someone else like this too?
Sho: The advisor who would come forth for that would be Ohno Satoshi

Wide-eyed-sleeping Advisor
Ohno Satoshi

Kanada: Ohno Satoshi-san!
Kawashima: He's complete in all aspects, isn't he!
Ohno: It's simply that we don't have enough eyelids!
Kanada: That's right!
Nino: But can you close your eyes now? You can, right? So what do you mean you don't have enough?
Ohno: But when you're sleeping, there's no power in the human body. So that's why it opens. That means they're not enough
Sho: What's Kanada-san like?

Normal sleeping pose

Kawashima: A little... Ah, this is it.
Sho: It opens that much?
Kawashima: It really opens a lot!
Kanada: Everyone thinks I'm joking around and they come towards me and go, "Hi!". And I jump awake
Sho: Are you aware of it?
Kanada: I am. Because my eyes are totally dry when I wake up. What should I do? How can I get rid of this?
Ohno: Well, you've got to get surgery...
Kanada: Surgery!? You've done research on this? This sucks!

Sho: It was written on the box as well, but ninja techniques...
Hannya: That's right!
Sho: What do you mean? I can't formulate an image
Kanada: When you were young, didn't you pretend you were ninjas?
Kawashima: I did
Arashi: I did
Kanada: I had lots of games with my younger brother, and we even entered the realms of the ninja. We did it so much, we became ninjas in the flesh.
Jun: So you mastered it?
Kanada: We mastered it

Narrator: Whatever it is, he has a box prepared. Just what ninja skill is this?

Hannya's Kanada has a box on stanby

Kanada: When a ninja lands after jumping off a stand, he makes a soft landing, his feet not making a sound. I'd like to try this with everyone today, without making a single sound

Narrator: Hannya's Kanada Ninja Technique: Technique of soft landing without making a sound!

Aiba: Is it possible?
Kanada: It has a certain level of difficulty to it
Kawashima: It's difficult, isn't it?
Kanada: But I thought since you're Arashi, you all could do it, that's why I brought it here today.
Nino: When you jump normally, there'll be a sound, right?
Sho: Kanada-san doesn't makes any sound at all?
Kanada: I can do that
Arashi: Without a sound?
Kanada: Yes. I'd like everyone to challenge it first
Jun: Who? Who's the lightest? Leader?
Ohno: Is it okay even with boots?
Kanada: Yes! If you can do it, it doesn't matter what shoes you're wearing! Even geta. (TN: wooden Japanese platform slippers)
Kawashima: Anything would work?
Kanada: That's right.
Ohno: I'll try then

Ninja Ohno

Nino: What do you mean when you say "jump"? He just jumps off this?
Kanada: You're in a situation where, from behind you, there's someone coming at you, "WAHH!!"

Setting: In the midst of being chased by the enemy. If you make a sound, you'll be exposed

Kanada: Do it like a ninja
Nino: Go!
Ohno: Yes
Kanada: It's not like that at all!
Sho: If this was a real battle...
Kanada: He would already be like this
Ohno: This is difficult
Sho: Nino, you try it

Ninja Ninomiya

Nino: Here I go
Kanada: Ah~! This isn't it! You went "don". Ah~! Wrong, wrong!
Sho: That went all the way to my knees

Success!?

Kanada: Can you do it again?
Aiba: I guess I have talent, don't I?
Kawashima: That was amazing just now!

In the end, failure

Aiba: In the end I didn't have any talent. It was wrong after all
Jun: So how do you do this?

Ninja Kanada's example

Kawashima: Let's have him show us. The real thing.
Nino: For real?
Aiba: Really?
Kawashima: He's good, he's good
Sho: He's doing well, he's doing well

Huh?

Kanada: Please let me try again! Please let me try again!
Nino: You're made a sound just now, right?

That was a bad example

Sho: Today's guest has been-
Kanada: Wait a second! No! Hold on! This is it! This is it!
Jun: To tell the truth, in the end his landing was the softest out of all of us
Kanada: It's his shoes!
Kawashima: You have the same kind of shoes!
Ogusan: And he jumped the least!
Sho: The number of attempts he had
Kanada: But the number of attempts-
Jun: You're going to jump again?

3rd attempt

Kawashima: Are you still nervous?
Kanada: Argh, I can't do this!
Nino: What was that?! What was that?

Big boo-ing

Kanada: No! It went well during practices!
Jun: This is no good. Totally.
Sho: This can't be called a ninja technique at all!
Kanada: I still have some! Please let me do them! I have one more! The next ninja skill is hitting a newspaper 10 times in a row

Hitting a newspaper 10 times in a row?

Kawashima: Ninja?
Kanada: Can you throw a newspaper up into the air and hit it with a 10-hit combo?

Hannya's Kanada
Ninja Technique: Technique of hitting a free-falling newspaper 10 times in a row

Kanada: A norma person could hit it around 3 times
Sho: It's that difficult?
Kanada: This is rather difficult.
Sho: Then let's have Leader...

Ninja Ohno

Ohno: I have to punch it 10 times?
Kanada: That's right.
Kawashima: Here I go. Ready, start!
Kanada: So, can he do it? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

Easy success!

Sho: Wonderful!
Kawashima: And he did it in one try!
Nino: I'm sorry, can we have you go home?
Kanada: Eh, that's not right!
Sho: What exactly did you come here today for?

It was an unsolicited plan but...

Kanada: I thought I could liven things up with everyone...
Nino: And so because of that you're depressed, right? Since you thought that.
Kanada: I thought about it a lot and I really thought we could all have fun doing this...
Sho: Well, we thought so too.
Ogusan: How did you get so popular?

A lingering doubt

Nino: The one who was wondering about that at the opening was Ogura-san wasn't it? It can't be helped
Sho: Shall we have them show us "that"?

Reestablishing their honour

Kanada: Is it okay if we reestablish our name here?
Nino: That's the way it should be

Narrator: Let's have them challenge the traditional plan! Can they perform a skit with synchronization with headphones and eye masks on!? This time it will be Hannya's famous skit "Zugudanzunbungun Game"! Let's have them challenge it!

They'll challenge the traditional plan!

They'll challenge it with "Zugudanzunbungun Game"!!

Sho: With that, the duo from Hannya, if you please!
Hannya: Your favour please!

[I didn't translate the skit but basically if you make the other person laugh, you win. Kanada laughs, so he loses.]

Hannya: Thank you very much!
Kanada: Ogura-san! Do you understand it now!?
Ogusan: Nope, not really
Kawashima: Well it's up to you, I guess

Narrator: It's time for the headphones and eye masks

Sho: This is a headphone skit, please!

Sho: Amazing!
Nino: There they go, there they go!
Sho: Amazing! Amazing! He's too scared!
Kanada: Ah, scary!

Sho: It was perfect! The ending.
Kanada: Really?
Sho: It was perfect!
Kanada: Really? That's great! Amazing! We did it!
Nino: But you were way too scared right from the start!
Sho: In the middle you were like Tonton Sumo (TN: sumo game)
--

As a bonus, I looked at the AnS staff blog and they stated the reason why Sho and Kawashima were showing off their bellies at the end :D

- Kawashima complained he didn't have an aura (true. I felt he was constantly overshadowed by Kanada) and asked Arashi what to do
- Kanada got angry at him and said to first get rid of his pot belly
- Kawashima and Sho are the same age! So they did a comparison XD
- Ohno used to always dig his nose during filming and get fingered by the other members for doing so, but as of late they haven't caught him
--
Note: If you would like to use this for anything, translate into another language or repost it anywhere, please ASK first. I'm okay with you using it (though not reposting wholesale), but I do ask for credit and a link back, as well as at least a notification.

Comments and corrections are very very welcome. Especially this being my first time and my listening skills way poorer than my reading skills XD I wanted to give up halfway but since I was already halfway I went on. But I think I'll be sticking to magazines and news articles from now on... I hate when they talk all at the same time and mumble <__< And it's definitely one thing to watch a show and understand it, and watch it and write out the translation at the same time. I've learnt a lot ^^

And now, to do my homework. I keep getting distracted. From both my homework and the articles I've been promising since forever <_<...>_>